


If I Stay

by waffleO



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Asexuality, Demisexuality, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-04-19 06:21:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4735706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waffleO/pseuds/waffleO
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elyss struggles to come to terms with what it means to be demi sexual in her relationship with Steve Rogers and the emotional fallout it leaves in its wake.</p><p>Warnings:<br/>Explicit due to later later chapter content.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Arms

**Author's Note:**

> Hello All!  
> This is a bit of working thought, so feel free to tell what you think!

His hands were large but surprisingly light as his fingertips ghosted my cheek. My eyes fluttered shut at the contact. Gentle, so very gentle. I leaned into his touch and he guided my lips to his. Again, gentle, like I might break. I couldn’t help the giggle that shook my shoulders and he pulled away perplexed. 

“I’m not made of glass, Steve,” I mused.

Rose dusted his features as he pursed his lips, he looked almost guilty. “Yeah, I know…”

I threw my weight at him and he fell back onto the couch. He was always nice enough to humor me in that way. “Long day?”

He pinched the bridge of his nose. “You don’t know the half of it.”

“Well, the news pretty thorough, actually…” I trailed off. “Though I didn’t think Captain America would get a run for his money from, what were they? Mutated rabbits?”

His lips opened to say something, some smart ass remark no doubt, but I silenced it with a kiss. It wasn’t gentle or chaste and very much didn’t seem to mind as he bit my lip. I shivered as his hands roamed downwards and under my shirt. He pushed me backwards and rested between my legs as he kissed down my neck. His thumbs hooked on the waist band of my pajama shorts and I jerked so hard my head slammed into the armrest.

A hiss escaped my lips as I reached to touch base of head. Steve batted it away and I was suddenly on his lap, head tucked into the nape of his neck as he checked my head for a bump. I winced when he found it.

“It doesn’t look to bad, no blood. I’ll grab some ice.”

I watched as he dashed to the kitchen, which wasn’t very far in our small one bedroom apartment. I chewed my lip and stared at the ground when he came back. He rested the small ice pack on the back of my head and leaned down to find my eyes already pricking with tears.

“Hey hey…” he soothed, rubbing circles in my back. “It’s fine. I shouldn’t have—“

“It’s not fine!” I shot back. I pulled away from his reach. Away from arms I knew would hold me until I stopped crying like every other time, every other night. “You don’t deserve this!” I swayed under the whiplash. “You don’t…” I covered my eyes as my shoulders started to shake. 

Before he could get to me, I dashed into the bathroom and locked the door. I sat in the tub shaking from the cold porcelain touching my skin and buried my face in my knees. Why can’t I be normal?

I jumped at the pounding on the door. “Elyss! Let me in. Please, I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing? You’re not the one who can’t—“ 

There was a loud bang as the door swung open. Steve accessed the damage in passing as he hesitantly walked to the tub with slow careful steps. “Elyss…”

I looked away as he knelt beside me. “If you’re going to apologize for anything, it better be for breaking the door.”

He smiled at that. “I know…that it’s hard for you. I just got caught up in the moment. I didn’t mean to take it that far.”

I looked at anything besides him. “You shouldn’t have to feel bad about wanting sex.”

“You shouldn’t feel bad about not wanting to…” he trailed off, biting back the word. 

He could be such a boy scout sometimes. But I knew what he meant. When we first met, I was as clear as I could be on my…situation. Though it wasn’t really a ‘situation’. Hell he even got Banner to sit down and try to explain it to me. Demi sexual. A sub category to asexual. That’s what he called it. When he showed me information about it, everything made sense. My life up till then centered around me wondering why I didn’t do the things normal teens did, then college kids, then adults. Sex just didn’t interest me. Even still, I wanted to make Steve happy. He clearly had a perfectly functioning body with perfectly functioning hormones. I had seen and felt it plenty of times. After I had this revelation, I thought he would leave me. I expected him to leave me. I didn’t expect him to kiss me, and I really didn’t expect him to ask me to move in with him. 

I felt another wave of sobbing rock my frame. He wouldn’t stay with me forever. Demi sexual implied I would come to enjoy sex with if I had a strong emotional bond with someone. If I didn’t have a strong bond with Steve, then what did I have?

He sighed. He looked exhausted. When he met my eyes though, they were caring and dripping with concern. He was being so very patient. He carefully lifted me out of the tub and headed towards our bedroom.

“I’ll sleep on the couch,” he offered.

‘I’d rather you not’ was on the tip of my tongue, but right did I have to say that to him? So I swallowed the words and avoided his eyes when he realized I wouldn’t object. He laid me down with care and closed the door behind him. 

I rolled around on the bed trying to find a comfortable position. It felt so empty without him to fill it up. I hugged my arms to myself and swam in the memories of him cradling me, nuzzling my hair until it stood up. I didn’t attempt to wipe the tears that trickled down my cheeks. I remembered this feeling. The feeling of emptiness. It was so intense I struggled to breath. 

I was going to lose him.


	2. Early Lunch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya
> 
> So here's chapter two. I'm kinda using this story to avoid class work so hopefully it's helping some people do that too.

I stifled a yawn as I walked into the lobby. I hadn’t managed sleep a wink. I flashed my badge to the security guard and made my way to the elevators. They were crowded as usual.

“Elly!”

I perked up at my name. It was Mira. Her dark eyes brightened when our eye met and her full lips flashed white teeth. She was holding the elevator door, much to the annoyance of the other occupants. I jogged over and wedged myself into the small available spot.

“Thanks, Mira.”

“No problem, but,” she stared at me for moment. “Are you okay? You’re usually already in the lab before me and everything.”

I shrugged. “I didn’t get much sleep.”

A grin swept across her tannish features. “ _Oh?_ ”

I sighed. “It wasn’t like that, Mira.”

“How could it _not_  be like that?!” she shot back in a low whisper.

I smiled to myself. I had tried explaining what it meant to demi sexual to her before. As a scientist, she understood, but as a person who thoroughly enjoyed sex, she was at a lost.

The elevator began to empty bit by bit till it was just us and Dr. Banner. I jumped. _How long had he been here?!_  I smiled in greeting and he nodded his head sheepishly.

Mira smiled brightly, as if it wasn’t in fact 7 in the fall morning. “Good morning, Dr. Banner. You don’t show up here too often.”

He nodded to himself more than her. “Yeah, my presence was requested by Dr. Conway.”

My brows hitched. “Dr. Conway? What does my boss want with…” I started to ask but stopped short. It wasn’t my place to ask.

Bruce didn’t seemed fazed though as he stepped off the elevator with the rest of us.

“Dr. Banner,” a plummy voice greeted. Dr. Conway rubbed a few fingers through his greying head of hair. His hazel eyes crinkled at the edges with the serene smile that seemed to be carved into his English features. “I am so glad you could make it.”

Bruce smiled hesitantly and shook his hand, “Glad to be of use, if I can.”

I started to excuse myself when Dr. Conway called my name. I couldn’t help the slight bow of my head as I said, “Yes, Dr.?” _Damn Japanese lessons._

He smiled at the gesture as he often did. “Could you ready lab three?”

I nodded and excused myself with another bow. I strode down the halls past the open lab areas and towards the personal labs. Lab three was on the farthest end and had the most privacy. Dr. Conway had been experimenting with a rather unstable compound and made it a point to use as few assistants as he could to prevent any spills. I busied myself with grabbing racks and stands for the substances. I had everything ready on that end, just had to pull out the compounds.

I stumbled a bit and rubbed my eyes. I was clumsy to begin with, I didn’t need sleep deprivation to aggravate it. I rolled my shoulders absently and stretched till my spine started crackling. I reached for the fridge door under the cabinet and started to pull out the beakers one by one and placing them on their respective racks. I spun around to grab two microscopes as well along with a few petri dishes. It wasn’t before long that the two doctors were walking into the room.

I stepped away and headed for the door.

“Oh, Elyss?”

I looked back with a forced smile. The stretch was nice but I was already wanting to fall over and just sleep, even if that location was on a lab floor. “Yes, Dr. Conway?”

“If you would not mind, could you wait for me in my office? This should not take too long.”

“Of course,” I nodded and excused myself. I yawned openly in the vacant hall and headed for his office. He was the supervisor for this floor and head of the research team as well, so his office was in a rather open area with two glass walls. One had the Manhattan skyline and the other faced the lab space before it. There were blinds though, thank the Gods because I would’ve felt weird otherwise sitting on the dark chocolate leather couch in an otherwise vacant space.

I looked around for a while. I had been it more often than most as I was his personal lab assistant, but I hadn’t really _l_ _ooked_  at it. Bookcases lined the walls where there weren’t degrees or paintings. His desk was dark mahogany with a neat set up. There was a laptop, but he never really used it as of late I noticed. There were however several notebooks and ink pens.

I brushed my fingers over the soft worn leather of the couch leaned back a little. My lids grew heavier and the next thing I knew, I was asleep.

 

I jolted awake. _Crap crap crap crap CRAP_. I peered around the room slowly until my eyes rested on Dr. Conway. He was writing in one of the journals. The sound of nib on paper was surprisingly soothing in my drowsy state. I sat up though with an apology on my tongue.

“You seemed exhausted,” he started. “And exhaustion leads to accidents, and also,” he smiled. “Most cannot resist a nap when they sit on that couch.”

I nodded slowly and looked to the simple clock on the wall. It was already one. “I am definitely in that ‘most’ category,” I agreed sheepishly. I looked down though. “I apologize. It was careless of me to show up at work. I could have ruined your experiment with Dr. Banner.”

“That is true,” he agreed. He finally look up and rested his chin on his hand. “You have been perfect so far though, I knew it could not last forever,” he had a faraway look in his eyes all of a sudden.

I slowly stood. “I do feel better now though. Is there anything you need for me to do? To prep?”

He pondered that. “Might I ask why you were so tired today?”

I looked at my feet. “I couldn’t sleep last night. My head was too…occupied.”

He nodded at that. “Do try to clear it, okay? You have the rest of the day off.”

I jumped at that. “Wait, are you sure?”

“Absolutely.” He rose from his seat reorganized his supplies. “I only intended to meet with Dr. Banner today, so it works out fine.” He opened the door for me and locked the door behind him. “I think I’ll get lunch, join me?”

I stopped. _Wait, what?_  Dr. Conway had never done that before, not in the two years I had known him and worked here. “Umm…yes?”

He seemed pleased so I let go of the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. I followed him to the elevator and avoided the looks I was no doubt getting. I was never more glad for my dark brown skin then now, hoping it hid the blush that would no doubt be visible otherwise.

The elevator was empty when we stepped in. I willed myself to ask what buzzing in my head. “I don’t mean to be rude but, why are we going to lunch together?”

Surprise touched his eyes but was quickly quashed. “In the time you have been here, you have never been late or shown signs of exhaustion once. One cannot help but be a little curious.”

I pursed my lips. “I would rather not talk about that actually.”

“Are you sure?”

I thought back to the psychology doctorate degree on his wall. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea. “What place did you have in mind?”


	3. Impromptu Session

The ‘place’ turned out to be a restaurant that I never heard of or seen before. It looked rather unmarked with its red brick wall and sketchy by most people’s standards.

Dr. Conway smiled assuredly and walked towards the door and held it open for me.

I walked over the threshold curiously as looked around. It was very dim inside, candles being the only form of light. The candles themselves weren’t romantic though. They hung on the maroon walls like some old medieval castle corridor. The wooden tables were small with purple table clothes, seating four at the most and each were secluded behind their own partitions. The space was honestly quite relaxing.

I stepped back and let Dr. Conway take the lead. “Where’s the host?” I asked curiously. The other patrons seemed to be from all walks of life; some wore scrubs, jump suits and pencil skirts.

He smiled at that. “We seat ourselves. One of the reasons I enjoy this place.” He strode toward the back area where there were a few small booths and tucked himself into the one in the farthest corner. I was rather grateful for that, and surprised as well. Dr. Conway seemed more the ‘open’ type. The kind of person who enjoy demanding the full room’s attention.

“I thought it would be easier for us to talk if we were as far from the rest of the guests as possible.”

I nodded slowly. _Right, we’re here to talk._  I busied myself with the menu. It had surprisingly simple items considering the way the restaurant looked. Sandwiches, soups, salads and various cuts of meat. I had a feeling that given the subject we’d be discussing that I should go with something cheap so I wouldn’t feel bad when I didn’t finish it.

The waiter came a short time later. He wore a white button down and black slacks. He smiled at Dr. Conway. “Always a pleasure, sir.”

“Likewise.” He looked to me, “Do you know what you want?”

I nodded. “I’ll take the mac and cheese.”

He smiled at that and handed the waiter, whose name was apparently Jeff, his menu and said, “The usual if you please.”

“Of course,” he agreed with a nod and left.

I stared at the tablecloth.”

“I never thought that I would see the day I lose to a bit of cloth in being less interesting.”

I jerked up at that. “Sorry, I just…”

His smile was gentle though. “You can say as much or as little as you like.”

I stared at the table again. It was easy to talk to Bruce about it up to a point, so why not him? “I’m demi sexual—it’s a subcategory of asexuality,” I blurted. I peeked up at him, somehow expecting him react in some way or another, but he simply gave me his ‘you have my undivided attention’ expression. “My boyfriend, he…isn’t.”

Realization dawned on him. “…Ah.”

“…yeah.”

“But then why were you so out of sorts today?”

I felt my face burn at that. He must’ve noticed to my surprise; most didn’t know where to look.

“Oh.” He smiled to himself with slight embarrassment. “I was worried for nothing, that’s good I suppose—“

“It wasn’t like that!” I inserted. “I couldn’t, so we didn’t…I mean we’ve never…!” I sat back own when I realized I was standing. The surprise was evident. I buried my face in my arms.

It was at that moment that the food arrived. I ignored the soft clank of the dish being placed before me. I felt beyond mortified. I hadn’t even told Bruce Steve and I hadn’t slept together!

“Your food will get cold,” Dr. Conway offered after a few minutes.

“I bought it _because_  I figured I wouldn’t be able to eat it.”

“I see.” There was the sound of him cutting into something, salmon by the smell of it. “If you want to leave, feel free. I did not have the intention of making you lose your appetite when I invited you to lunch I assure you.” His voice was light but there was a tinge of regret mixed in as well.

I sighed internally. _Might as well lay in it_  “I was out of it because I couldn’t sleep. My relationship will end because I’m not sexually interested in him. His patience has just about reached its end, I can tell.” I looked up after a while when he didn’t say anything and almost jumped. He was staring at me.

“Did he know at the beginning? That you were not heterosexual?”

I nodded. “We’ve been together for over two and a half years now though.”

He took a drink of water. “Are you sure you’re not asexual?”

“Yes.” I continued, knowing what the next question would be, I’d said it so many times it was like quoting a script. “I felt it before. The want to with someone in every way possible. To want them so much that it ached. It took four years. We were friends, and then all of a sudden, we weren’t. And it was wonderful and so very very short.” My eyes glazed over at the memory of her arms, so very comfortable. “It hurt for a long while after.” My fist clenched. I felt tired all of a sudden. I laid my head down.

“Are you alright?”

“I love him.”

“I can see that.”

“Liar.”

He laughed softly at that. His smile fell though as he spoke again. “Have you told him the things you’ve told me?”

I froze. “About my girlfriend? Yes.”

“But the other things?”

“No.”

“Might I ask why?” When I couldn’t answer, he asked another question. “Do you _trust_  your boyfriend?”

I was about to shoot back something not so polite when the question really struck me. _Do I trust Steve?_  I fell silent, my mouth agape.

“You see,” he continued as if I wasn’t suffering clear mental turmoil. “Achieving sexual attraction as a demi sexual in your case seems to be based on a few key attributes including love and trust. To love is easy, to trust…well let us agree it takes great deal of time, particularly in your case.”

I felt tears pricking at my eyes. _How could I not trust Steve?!_  “No…he saved men from my heart. I moved in with him—I,” I fell short, my voice barely a whisper. “I don’t trust him.” I looked to him again, confused. “Why am I telling you these things?”

His eyebrows raised. “Because you wanted to.”

“No no no no,” I countered. “I don’t talk. People talk, I listen. I don’t confide, I don’t tell people what I feel I…” My eyes narrowed. “What did you do to me?”

He smiled at that. “Nothing. Though the fact that you would jump to that conclusion before considering that you could possibly tell someone your problems is a little more than problematic. How do you handle stress?”

I stared past him. “I draw. Nothing big, just small comics.” Speaking suddenly felt wrong, as if something was forcing words out of my mouth. Maybe it was the stress. It’d been a while since I’d felt this weighed down. I rubbed my forehead. “I…I don’t want to talk anymore.”

“I understand.”

I pulled out my wallet, but Dr. Conway waved a hand. “I insist,” I said with a smile. It was smile of exhaustion. The mental exercise of speaking about myself was surprisingly taxing.

“You can get the next bill,” he said lightly as he pulled out his card. He waved and Jeff appeared again to take it.

“Fine,” I muttered, no will to fight beyond that. “I’ll be going then.” I raised a hand, already aware of what the gentlemanly Dr. Conway would offer. “It’s only three. I can manage alone.” I spun on my black flats and strode out of the restaurant before he had a chance to object. The apartment was a bit a ways away, so I hailed a taxi and headed home.

 


	4. Empty Space

Steve wasn’t back, as expected. There wasn’t as much chaos as the news made it out to be. Most of the time, I was helping him wade through paperwork from SHIELD, so I wasn’t really worried. I thought back to when we first started, how he had wanted to explain what he did and how I would have to learn to handle it. I remember smiling as I said how it was fine, that I was used to being alone. He had hugged me then, so tightly it started to hurt. At that moment, I knew I could love him.

I tossed my satchel in no particular direction and threw myself onto the couch with a heave. The feelings in that sweet memory felt so alien at the moment, as if it couldn’t have been me.

_I don’t trust him._

I sucked in a breath. _If I don’t trust him, why am I with him?_ I bit the inside of cheek, _No_. “Conway was just in your head, it’s nothing,” I argued aloud. “He doesn’t know me, he doesn’t know Steve— hell no one aside from the Avengers know I’m even _with_ him!”

I found myself up and pacing the cozy living room. “I mean—what does he know? I was tired, nothing else,” I dismissed. I crouched down with my chin on my knees. “I’m just tired.”

There was the rattle of keys followed by the squeak of the door as it opened. I looked up to Steve from the floor perplexed, he was never home this early. Then again, neither was I. He seemed surprised to see me, so he probably dropped by around this time often. He smiled, but it was slightly guarded, unsure where we stood as of last night. I felt heavy.

“Hey, you okay?”

I didn’t look up to meet the two pools that were no doubt boring into me as he helped me to stand and sit on the couch. “Yeah, Dr. Conway sent me home early.” I raised my hands with a slight smile. “Relax, he just thought I’d be too tired to be useful in the lab.”

Steve nodded sullenly. “Sorry about that.”

I took his face in my hands, marveling at the lines of his jaw as I often found myself doing. “It’s not your fault. I’m just a horrible human being,” I chuckled darkly.

His brows niched at that but didn’t comment; instead choosing to pull my right hand away and kiss it lightly. “Have you eaten yet?”

I nodded. “Dr. Conway was a bit worried so we talked over lunch.” The tensing of his shoulders was visible for only a second.

“Oh,” was all he said though.

I tilted my head to the left then the right as I considered how much I should tell him. I had never found myself in this situation before. Then again, I also never really confided in a person before. The feeling of spilling it all had left me haggard contrary to the popular belief of ‘removing the weight from one’s chest’. I frowned internally. The whole exchange had felt…off. As if I wasn’t me at that moment, but I couldn’t finger _why_.

“…serious?”

I looked up from my thoughts. “What?”

His shoulders slumped at that. _Had he been talking long?_

“I was asking if it was anything serious. SHIELD has some pretty good shrinks I’m told.”

I laughed incredulously. “Who told you that? According to your team, the SHIELD shrinks can—and I quote: Go fuck themselves.”

Steve sighed to try to hide a smile playing on his lips. “Tony isn’t the entire team, El.”

“Actually it was Banner who said that,” I shot back with a smirk.

His brows raised slightly at that. “Huh. Well anyway, if you feel like you need to talk…”

‘And not to me’ hung in the air between us. I chewed on my lower lip. “We spoke about my worrying about losing you.”

Steve pressed his forehead to mine. “You’re not going to lose me, El.”

“I explained to him how I couldn’t have sex even though we’ve been together for so long,” I continued. I didn’t look for the rose that no doubt flecked his cheeks, opting to stare at the teal carpet. “We’ve been together for over two years and yet I..!”

He cupped my face in his hands and thumbed away the tears that streaked my cheeks.

“I...hic…I don’t have the right!” I dug what little nails I had into the palms of my hands. “Even now…hic...it’s you who’s…holding me…I don’t…I don’t…give you…anything..!” It was getting harder to breath between the sobbing. I buried my face in his shirt, he’d no doubt have to change it. “I’m…so sor—“

“Don’t apologize.” He kissed the top of my head. “Don’t apologize when you’ve finally started talking to me.” He rubbed circles in my back saying ‘It’s okay’ and shushing my sobs. We sat like that for some time. When I wasn’t able to cry anymore, I looked up to see the dusky New York skyline out the window.

I moved to rub my eyes but Steve batted my hand away. “I’ll grab a towel.” He tried to pull away but the sudden chill made me hold onto him. He smiled at that. “I’ll be right back.” He rose from the couch slowly and headed for the kitchen.

He brought back a towel and a sandwich. “Eat.”

I took the sandwich in my hands and he started to dab at my swollen eyes. I hadn’t realized just how hungry I was until the peanut butter and strawberry jam touched my tongue. I hadn’t technically eaten with Conway, more like prodded my mac n cheese. I devoured it hungrily and stifled a yawn. My body felt limp and placid as if I had spent every drop of energy crying. I felt lighter though, the contrast between the day’s confessions was evident.

“You were supposed to go back to work, weren’t you?” I asked sullenly.

He shrugged. “I’ve never missed a day. It should be fine.”

As if his words were a summons, there was a loud knocking at the door.

Steve didn’t get the chance to stand before it swung open. The first thing I saw was a shining red gauntlet as Tony strode into the room prepared for some sort of attack. When he saw us on the couch however, he let out an exasperated sigh. Clint walked in after him with a smirk on his face.

“You owe you fifty bucks.”

Tony crossed his arms with a pout. “Fine.”

Steve stared at them in bewilderment. “Why exactly are you two breaking into my place?”

“Well,” Tony started. “There I was, at SHEILD headquarters today, like I am every day—”

“More like once every other month,” Clint go in.

“And low and behold,” Tony continued as if he was never interrupted.  “Mr. Perfectly Punctual wasn’t there. I mean I had made the painstaking thirty minute flight all the way just for you to yell at me for never showing up for debriefs and then you weren’t there.” He raised a finger before Steve could interject, “And no, I wasn’t the only one curious as to why—“

“He was just the only one willing to break into your place and find out,” Clint finished.

Tony shrugged. “Yeah.”

“Well you didn’t have to worry. I was just being a spastic mess,” I stated..

“You weren’t being spastic,” Steve countered as he ran his thumb down my cheek.

I let a smile touch my lips and pressed a kiss to his forehead before standing. “I’m guessing you guys have stuff to do since you’re here.”

“Actually no, we were just really bored,” Clint admitted.

I smirked but that quickly disappeared as a sudden pounding struck my head. I gritted my teeth and clasped a hand to my temple. Clint was in front of me before anyone else. He tilted my chin up as he began lightly kneading the area around my forehead. I felt Steve bringing me slowly back down to the couch. He left my side and came back with another damp towel which he laid over my eyes. I bit the inside of my mouth as the pounding rolled over my head. I sucked in a breath.

“This sucks,” I managed. “I don’t get headaches.” The vehemence in my tone must have been obvious because Clint chuckled a bit.

“Well I do when I get caffeine withdrawal,” he offered.

“Hate coffee.”

“Hungover?” Tony inserted.

“Don’t drink.” Even with my eyes closed I knew Steve was probably shooting him a look; I couldn’t help my smile, even if it lasted for only seconds.

“Anything happen today?” Steve asked curiously.

“You mean aside from losing all the H2O in my body through my eyes? Nothing really. I didn’t hit my head or anything…” I stopped. “Though…I spoke to Dr. Conway at a cool restaurant today. _A lot_ actually.”

“Dr. Conway?” Tony cocked his head. “’s he new?”

“He’s been around for about five years now. Biochemist mostly, though he does dabble quite a lot.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Anyway, we ended up talking about a lot of stuff I don’t normally—more like _ever_ —talk about.”

I heard clanking in the kitchen. Steve was probably busying himself with something, no doubt listening in though.

“Stuff like what?” Tony was on the couch now.

I grinned. “Myself.” Clint snickered close by, most likely leaning on the armrest above me. He kneaded my forehead whenever I started to clench my teeth. “It felt strange though. Like my mouth wasn’t my own. Like there was something pushing it along.” I touched my fingers to my jaw. “Like I wasn’t really in control.”

Clint’s hands stopped at that.

Tony rose. “Sounds like someone might have been drinking something that wasn’t juice.”

I clenched my fists, ready to lay some not so polite words when Clint pulled the towel off my eyes. I took one look into his eyes and stopped. There was a lot mixed into those hazely eyes. One thing stood out the most, understanding.

 

 

The headache did not go away that night. In fact, it intensified. I couldn’t even begin to sleep and spent most of the night in Steve’s arms until he called Bruce to put me out of my misery with something in a needle. I hadn’t really paid attention to what it was. It made sleep possible and that’s all I really wanted.

 

 

The morning was no better. The pain wasn’t as intense, so I got ready for work.

“Are you sure you should be up?” His hands rested on my hips as he rested his chin on my bed head.

“Yeah I’m fine. It’s just a dull pounding now, I can deal.” I turned around and placed a kiss just below his lips.

He smiled at that. “If you need me, call me. We’re pretty much on standby these days, so I usually just help out with training the new recruits.”

“Noted.” I pulled on flats that matched the grey tshirt I had hurriedly pulled over my black slacks. “It should be fine. Every person besides me is a doctor on my floor after all.”

The tension in his body left at that. “True.”

I pulled myself away from his arms and grabbed the first jacket I saw on the couch, which happened to be Tony’s suit jacket. I stared at it for a second before shrugging it on. It was unsurprisingly soft. I gave Steve a salute before ducking out with a laugh.

I sucked in the frigid fall breeze and exhaled happily. “Ahh…pollution.”

I felt I was up for the early morning walk, so I started on my way. The headache was relatively gone by the time I set foot into the lab. I thought I was in the clear too until I saw Dr. Conway, then it all came crashing down. The ground was no longer under my feet. I braced myself as I fell backwards but arms were already around me. My eyelids blinked rapidly as black dots dispersed. The sensation was gone almost as quickly as it happened.

“Elyss? Are you alright?”

I stared up at Dr. Conway. The fog had all but cleared. All that was left was a sense of…emptiness. As if something was once there and now it was gone. I made a mental note to send that to Clint.

“Can you stand?”

I nodded and started to stand. It didn’t take much effort. I honestly felt good as new. As if the headache never happened. I clapped my hands over cheeks, unsure if I should believe the recovery. “I’m fine,” I spoke slowly.

Dr. Conway seemed more relieved than necessary, then again if I was out of commission for two days in a row his work would really take a blow I  reasoned. “What’s on today’s agenda?”

 

 

The agenda was mostly composed of what wasn’t done yesterday which was A LOT. I was about ready to fall over by the time I left the lab. I started to hail a taxi when I heard a familiar voice.

“Hey, Elyss.”

I spun around to see Clint in a leather jacket and sunglasses. “Got a minute?”

I shrugged and we started to walk as I filled him in on what had happened that morning. His expression wasn’t visible behind his sunglasses, so I didn’t know what he was thinking.

“And you really don’t feel anything anymore?”

I shook my head. “It’s all normal up there now,” I shrugged.

He fell silent. I started to consider his curiosity and felt like an idiot when it was beyond obvious.

“Are you thinking about Loki?”

He stopped walking. “How did you..?”

I stared at the ground, gum was so interesting after all. “Steve…has nightmares sometimes. He feels better after he talks, but to talk, sometimes he has to tell me background first.” I peeked up when he didn’t say anything for a while. He was visibly tense. I swallowed hard. “It can’t be him though right? I mean—he was taken to Asgard. He’s in prison somewhere rotting or whatever.”

He didn’t respond for a long while. When he did, it was in front of my apartment building when the conversation thread had long been dropped.

“Yeah.”


	5. Sugary Earthy Whips

A few weeks had passed since the headache incident and everything to seemed to be well in order. I was sitting across from Steve with a mouthful of sticky rice. I grabbed for a slice of beef.

“How about a safe word?”

I swallowed the beef and rice whole and had a slight coughing fit. “Wait…what?”

“A safe word,” Steve continued, trying and failing to stifle a laugh. “Whenever you’re uncomfortable, just say the safe word and—“

“No no, I know what a safe word is. How do _you_ know what a safe word is?”

“I’m not some blushing virgin,” he started defensively.

“Ah no, that I know,” I gestured to myself. “I’m your girlfriend, remember? No, I mean that term is usually more known in the BDSM community and…” A smile trailed across my lips. “Was it Tony?” I asked giddily. “Gods did you ask Tony for sex advice?”

The silence that fell answered that question and I burst into a laughing fit. By the time it had passed, Steve’s face was a cherry. I swiped at the tears on my cheeks. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

I picked up more rice. “Yeah, let’s do it.” I looked at his raised eyebrows a bit confused. “You seem surprised.”

“I didn’t think you’d say yes, at least not right away.”

“Dude, let’s just say I’m into the most vanilla things.” I smiled at the blush that crept anew. “When you wanna start?”

  
  


Starting, as it turned out, didn’t happen for nearly a week. I started to think he had lost his nerve and I couldn’t help but wonder how to bring it back up without sounding overly eager. I wanted to know if it could work.

I sat idly on the small island in our kitchen frosting mini cupcakes aimlessly. Though loathe to eat them, I baked whenever I had the time. It was times like this that I loved Steve’s metabolism and his surprisingly large sweet tooth. I was wiping bits of chocolate frosting from my fingers and shaking on red white and blue sprinkles when Steve walked into the kitchen.

He seemed tired but perked up when our eyes met. “Hey there beautiful,” I whispered.

He sauntered towards me and I swung my legs over the counter to jump off. He rested his hands on my thighs though, so I stayed put and picked up a cupcake instead. He took the small treat in one bite and started to lick the frosting it left from my fingers before moving to my lips. I tasted the rich chocolate as our tongues mingled.

His hands touched the exposed skin of my torso and moved up under the thin fabric of my tank. It was a nice feeling and I made sure he knew when I sucked at his neck. His breath caught at the attention and soon my shirt was off. My skin touched the cool tiles as he pressed my back into it  and stared up in a slight daze.

Steve had the frosting in his hands now and stirred the spatula thoughtfully before smearing it on my collarbone and licking it off in slow decisive laps. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him closer before swiping the jar from his hand. He pulled away curiously and watched as I spread dollops on my chest. He gladly obliged as his tongue gave my nipples a teasing nibble.

I bit back a moan and he continued in earnest and moved lower. His hand slid down my shorts and he started to rub lightly. I jerked upright.

“Fubar!”

He jumped back from the word more confused than anything. He was panting lightly. “…what?”

“Fubar,” I repeated. I didn’t trust myself to make complete sentences. “Safe word.”

“Oh.” He righted himself at that. “And ‘fubar’ is...?”

“Fucked up beyond all recognition.”

He visibly winced at that. “That’s…” he trailed, clearly unsure how to go about commenting on all the ways it probably made him uncomfortable. When he could speak, it was barely a whisper. “I won’t do that to you.”

I wrapped my arms around myself as chill started to seep into my body. “I know, Steve.”

 

 

I woke wholesomely regretting not taking a shower the night before. I checked the clock and elected to take a bird bath. I ran some water in the tub as I brushed my teeth and tried to conquer my hair.  I stepped out of the bathroom just as Steve was rousing in bed.

“Day off,” he tossed at my glance.

“Woah, and I thought justice never sleeps, let alone takes a day.”

He laughed mirthlessly. “He does when his last day off was in August.”

I let out a low whistle. “I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”

“Probably.” He rolled onto his back with a shrug. “When’s your next off day?”

“I’m always free on Sundays.” I clasped my bra on and started buttoning my white blouse.

“I should be able to swing that sometime soon. Gotta love sick days.”

“I'm surprised Captain America even gets sick days.”

He grinned. “Democracy.”

 

 

I stepped into the elevator and watched as Dr. Conway walked into the space with a good morning on his lips.

“Good morning, Elyss.”

“Good morning, Dr. Conway.”

He smiled. “You seem to be in a good mood. Are things working well for you?”

“Yes, very well actually.” I felt that strange sensation again, a pushing on my mind as if willing my mouth to move. I didn’t fight it and spoke, tasting each word curiously as they left my lips. “He thought we should try seeing how far he push within my comfort zone.”

“Oh?”

“Yup, he thought a safe word would be good.” I felt the burning of my cheeks at those words, I had had more control last time. Clint flitted across my mind. _Could he really be Loki?_ I shook my head slowly. It didn’t have to be Loki, it could be anyone. _Whoever it is though…their not human._

“That’s a good idea. It also takes a great deal of trust to not worry if one’s partner will head the verbal barrier.”

“He’ll be fine.”

“Do you honestly think so?”

“Of course I do.”

He considered my answer before opening his wallet. He pulled out a name card and pen, scribbled something on the back and handed it to me. “I hope you won’t need it, but just in case.”

I looked at the card. It seemed he wrote his personal number on it. “What are you implying?”

“You seem to be at a good place, but just in case…” He smiled gently, “Good assistants are hard to come by.”

I pushed back on the fog that was quickly clouding my mind and felt a throbbing pain in its wake.

Dr. Conway stood in front of me with a weary expression. “Are you alright?”

“I think so…” The elevator reached our floor. “Just a bit dizzy I think.”

“Are you sure?” He grinned sheepishly when I nodded. “Good. Because we have quite a bit to do today, and I won’t be able to finish it all without you.”

“At your service,” I declared with a slight bow. The fog was gone now and there was no headache either. It was definitely Dr. Conway. The question was: What is he? I fingered my cell in my pocket as I contemplated texting Clint. I let go of the device with a sigh as I thought better of it. If I told Clint without enough proof, it’d do more harm than good.

I spent the rest of the work day watching Dr. Conway like a hawk. If he wasn’t human, it was probably happened sometime recently. His character didn’t seem to have shifted until recently. The old Dr. Conway was equally kind and free with his office couch, but the invitation to lunch was definitely new. I chewed my lower lip as I closed a dishwasher door and set it to clean glassware before heading back to lab three. Dr. Banner was with us again today. He and Dr. Conway were speaking in hushed whispers when I entered the space.

I cleared my throat when it seemed they wouldn’t be moving anytime soon. Dr. Conway looked up then, but his expression seemed to say he knew I had been there. Dr. Banner’s said the exact opposite.

“Is there anything else you need?”

“Not at the moment, no,” Dr. Conway started to say but Dr. Banner spoke up.

“Could I talk to you after your work is finished here?”

“Of course,” I responded slightly puzzled. He wasn’t the type to ask things like that during work, or maybe it had to do with work? I considered the possible topics as I moved through the rest of the day’s tasks and had nothing by the time I met up with him in the lobby.

“Hey,” he said in that low careful voice.

“Hello, Dr. Banner,” I tested, unsure if the conversation required politeness.

“Do you mind if we go somewhere, Elyss?”

That helped. If it was work related, we’d have spoken here. I nodded. “Sure. Where to, Bruce?”

We didn’t walk very far. I felt he picked the small sandwich shop arbitrarily when we entered and he fumbled through the menu and picked something at random.

“You okay?” I asked worryingly.

He opened his mouth then closed it. “I…actually wanted to ask you the same thing.”

“I’m fine given my circumstances.”

“Circumstances being..?”

I pursed my lips unsure if I should tell him about my growing suspicions. _If I'm not telling Clint, I shouldn’t tell Bruce._

“Elyss?”

“Mmm?”

“How’s your head been?”

“Fine. I don’t know if Clint told you or not, but it was gone soon after.”

His eyebrows raised at that. “Really? That’s…”

“Unnatural?” I supplied.

“Well…yes, actually,” he let the sentence hang in between us. “And it’s never happened before…Are you stressed at all?”

“At that time, yes, but that was weeks ago,” I waved off.

“What was going on at that time?”

“Relationship stuff.” His food arrived so I stole a fry off his plate. I had learned my lesson last time. No point in wasting anymore food.

He didn’t ask for details to my joy. “And now?”

“I'm still not quite sure. I’m so stressed about it, that’s for certain, but…” _I don’t know where it’s going_. I shrugged and snagged another fry.

“If you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, might I recommend spending some time away?” He raised his hands slowly, “Not too long, just a weekend? At the tower? Everyone’s going to be back together soon which usually leads to movie nights.”

I grinned. “It _has_ been a while since I’ve been there…” I raised a finger pointedly, “It is not because I want a break though.”

“Gotcha.”


	6. Not Just a Game

 

I unlocked the apartment door to see Steve and Tony sitting on the couch before mountains of takeout containers. Their eyes were glued to a holographic screen. I peered at the screen enquiringly. It looked like something medieval. I jerked my thumb at the screen.

“What’s this?”

Tony hit pause and stared at me in shock. I might as well have blown Dum-E to bits.

“…What?” I looked to Steve for help but he seemed equally confused.

“Steve is fine, but there is _no_  excuse for you not having seen Lord of Rings yet.”

I simply shrugged. “I wasn’t a movie person as a kid, and even now I'm pretty indifferent.”

Tony was about to speak when his phone went off. He glanced at the miniature holographic screen. “Perfect.” He turned off the screen. “We’ll be watching all three this weekend.”

I blinked. “Say what?”

He flashed his phone screen. “Just got your ‘okay’ from Bruce.”

“Well yeah I agreed to a movie night, but this is ridiculously short notice!” I flung my arms out in a sweeping gesture. “It’s Wednesday! I have to put in a notice and—“

“I’ll get you out of it,” Tony shrugged.

I gaped. “Dr. Conway—“

“Will survive a day without you,” Tony finished. “This is more important, trust me.”

I looked to Steve but he only shrugged. “You could use a bit of off time.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “That happened weeks ago, it’s water under the bridge,” I argued knowing full well it wasn’t—that Conway was just in my head that day.

“Aw come on, Ellie, live a little,” Tony antagonized.

“Not everyone can live perfectly well without a job Tony.”

“Hey, you’re the one who wouldn’t work for me.”

“I _do_  work for you!”

“No, you work for Pepper.” He grinned at my exasperated expression. “Besides, I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this, but I think you may be forgetting what _this_  Saturday is.”

I yanked my phone out of my pocket and pulled up my calendar.

October 18th Happy Birthday Elyss!

I stared at the screen blankly. “Oh.” I sighed. “Fine.”

Tony pocketed his projector and patted my back on his way out. “Just be glad it was Steve who picked what we’d do. I personally wanted to hit the bars.”

“Of course you did.” I waved him off. “See you later, Tony.” I let my shoulders slump when the door clicked shut. 

“It happens every year,” Steve said with a smile. “You always forget your birthday and I always have to call and schedule your off day.”

I perked up at that. “You schedule my off-day?”

“Did you think they just gave you off because it was your birthday?”

“…Yeah?”

He let out a laugh on his way to the kitchen. “Hungry?”

“Not really. I ate most of Bruce’s food at lunch.” I plopped down on the couch. “So when are we heading to the tower?”

“Anytime you want to.”

“Friday? After work?”

He smiled. “Your off time is from Thursday to Sunday.”

“Oh.” I drummed my fingers against the arm rest. “After work tomorrow then.”

 

Dr. Conway was visibly surprised when I walked into his office the next day. “I didn’t expect to see you here today.”

I nitched my eyebrows. “My time off doesn’t start till tomorrow.”

“I received a call that it would start today.”

“Oh. Sorry,” I apologized, mentally cursing Tony. “For what it’s worth, my time off was news to me.”

“Did you forget your birthday again?” he inquired lightly.

“Yeah…” I looked at him curiously. _How does he know about my forgetting my birthday if he isn’t the real…_  I sat on the couch and tried to pay attention as he spoke.

“Well, though I am glad to see you, I hadn’t planned anything for today really. I was actually just going to leave early after a bit of paperwork.”

“I see.” I rested my hands on my lap and tried not to fidget.

He drummed his fingers against his jaw thoughtfully. “What are you doing for your birthday?”

I let out a sigh. “I am apparently being ‘educated’. I haven’t seen Lord of the Rings yet.” I shrugged. “I looked it up. Looks like I’ll be awake for minimum twelve hours straight.” I stifled a yawn, tired just thinking about it.

He chuckled. “It _is_  worth seeing, I will say that much.” The smile stayed on his lips and I found myself pleased at that. Dr. Conway, though good natured and polite, never really seemed the type to enjoy movies like that. He would mention some obscure independent film every now and again but nothing box office. _Yet this Conway knows I often forget my birthday._

I frowned. It didn’t add up. I decided to test something. “If you want,” I started nervously. “You could join us—we’ll be eating out first most likely, you don’t have to stay for the movie…” I trailed off as his smile grew wider. It took all I had to finish the sentence when his eyes shined just so. “I do owe you a lunch after all.”

“I will not lie, I am a little curious of your life.” He pondered it as if considering the gain. That was new. No matter how enticing the invite, Dr. Conway would decline. He nodded slightly. “Yes, I do believe I will join you if it alright.”

I felt what little hope I had leave me. This man was not Dr. Conway. I smiled politely. “Okay. I’ll send you the details later.” I started for the door and rested my hand on the knob.

The grin in his voice was evident. “See you then, Elyss.”

I strode out of the building in a daze. He had called my bluff. If we were playing any kind of game at the moment, I had lost. I shook my head as I walked down the early unlittered pavement. _It wasn’t a game. We weren’t playing. He’s not Dr. Conway._  I bit my lip. In a way, I was grateful he had agreed. My friends were some of Earth’s mightiest heroes. They would be able to smell evil on him if he was threat…right?

I looked up from my thoughts. I was already home. I trudged up the stairs. I found myself hoping that Steve wouldn’t be there. _He’s going to_ kill _me._  I rested my hand on the door knob and took a deep breath. That hope was destroyed though.

“Don’t open the door!” Steve called frantically. Rustling filled the otherwise quite hallway followed by a heavy thump. The door cracked open after a few moments but Steve was sure to jam his between the opening and me. A forced visage of calm took to his features. “H-Hey. I thought you had work today?” There was more rustling behind him, someone else was in the apartment.

“Yeah, I think Tony called. Dr. Conway seemed surprised to see me and didn’t have anything planned, so I just left…” I said as I tried and failed to peek past him. He didn’t even have to move his body was so wide. I let out a sigh. “Can I go in yet? There’s something I need to tell you.”

His brows furrowed. “What? Are you okay? Did something happen?”

I let out a low nervous laugh. “…kinda.”

“Clear!” A voice called from behind him. It was Clint.

Steve stepped aside at that and let me through. “Sorry about that. We didn’t think you’d be here.”

“I can leave if you need me to,” I said as I dropped my bag and looked around the space. Whatever they were doing, there was no sign of it now.

Clint sat on the couch and crossed a leg over another. “Yes, please.”

Steve shot him a look.

“What? It’s true.”

I let out a short laugh. “It’s fine, Steve, really.” I rubbed the back of my neck sheepishly. “But um…for the birthday dinner? Um…I invited someone else.”

“Oh,” Steve paused. “Mira?”

“Ahm…no…Dr. Conway.” I tensed. When nothing happened, I opened my eyes.

His expression was neutral. “Okay.”

“Yeah.” I looked just past his eyes. “So I need the time and location so I can forward it to him.”

“Of course,” he ducked his head as he brushed the back of his head. “I…” He blushed. “I would but it’s a surprise. It’s going to be at the tower though. Tony wanted to pick but I knew that would be bad and…” he trailed off as he realized his rambling.

“Really?” I smiled. “That sounds great, but do you think everyone will be okay with it?” I inquired nervously, knowing ‘everyone’ was Steve.

“I don’t see the problem,” Clint announced. He smiled at our surprise. “Yeah I am still here.”  He stood and rested his hand on my shoulder. “It sounds cool. We never meet any of your people. This guy must be something.”

I laughed nervously. “Yeah…he’s really something.”

 


	7. fubar

In the end, I simply lounged in the bedroom. The silence that had fallen at the mention of Dr. Conway’s invite was both expected and awkward. I knew Steve was never fond of the man even though he had never met him. I chocked it down to simple jealously of a fellow male, but now I was more than worried. Dr. Conway was my boss after all and he wasn’t even really himself, not to mention he knew more about our relationship than anyone else.

I stared up at the ceiling and stifled a yawn. I hadn’t considered that the dinner would be in the tower. I really didn’t know if I should be happy or freaking out. I decided to quash the thought and try for a nap. After rolling around for a good twenty minutes I sat up. I stared at the walls. It had been a long time since I had actually looked. Steve drew more than I did and was a million times better too. The once visible burgundy and gold patterned wallpaper had long since been covered in pieces and strips of white. Most of them were pictures of landscapes or people he saw whenever he went and about. I smiled. He would rush home sometimes and grab for pencil and paper to scribe some the most beautiful moments. They were often couples or children.

My lips fell in a thin line at the thought. Steve seemed like the type to want children. He was at the best of times an A plus father material, especially considering how often he prevented Tony and Clint from blowing things up. _I don’t want kids though_ I thought to myself as my eyes roved the walls.

There was a soft knock on the door before it opened. Steve poked his head in and grinned. “All done.”

“Cool,” I mumbled, still entranced by the sheets of paper and my thoughts.

He followed my line of sight and grinned sheepishly. “I have a new one…if you want to see it.” He walked to the right side of the bed and picked up his sketchbook from off the night stand. He flipped through a few pages before handing it to me.

My eyes bugged. It was a drawing of me. I was naked from the waste up and sprawled against a tiled surface. It was from the night with frosting in the kitchen. I covered my face with my free hand, again so grateful for my darker skin.

He laughed lightly and brushed my hand from my face as he cupped my cheek. “A blush? Wow that’s pretty rare.”

I let out a puff. He somehow knew where to look to see the tinges of rose. “Don’t show that to anyone; I will cut you,” I lightly threatened.

His lips dusted over my cheeks before meeting mine. “Promise.” He pulled the book from my fingers as he leaned onto the bed. His hand wrapped around the back of my neck as he deepened the kiss and tasted my tongue when it slipped from my lips. He had a hand on my thigh when there was sharp cough.

I looked to the door to see Clint standing there with a lopsided smile. “Yeah…I'm still here.”

Steve pressed his forehead to mine before pulling away. “Unfortunately,” he mumbled almost playfully. He clapped his hands together. “Shall we head over?”

 

I adjusted the strap of my duffel as we headed into the tower. We walked into an elevator and I couldn’t help the smile that touched my lips at the plumy British accent that greeted us.

“Hello Ms. Rein. It has been a while.”

“Heya Jarvis.” I knew I was grinning like an idiot but I couldn’t help it. Some of my best times before Steve and I found an apartment was with Jarvis. He was good company whenever the team went out.

“You really didn’t need to bring clothes,” Tony’s voice rang out as I stepped off the elevator onto the main floor. Steve leveled a glare at him to which he raised his hands. “Hey, hey I'm just saying I had her part of the wardrobe stocked.” He held up an index finger. “Present number one, your welcome.”

I shook my head as I navigated to one of the couches in the main sitting area. “Thanks, Tony.” I had long since given in to his tendency to buy people things, a lot of things. I shrugged when Steve looked to me. “What? I'm just glad it wasn’t a car.”

“I can—“

“I don’t have a license Tony,” I dismissed.

“So?”

I rubbed the bridge of my nose. “Anywho,” I transitioned. “I don’t know if you already know but I invited someone along for the dinner.”

“Dr. Conway, right?” He strode over the bar and pulled out a bottle. “Sounds interesting.”

“Tell me about it.” I felt tired just thinking about it.

Steve walked over and picked up my duffel bag. “You wanna head up?”

“Yeah, I might sleep til dinner if you don’t mind.”

“It’s your weekend,” he said brightly as we got back onto the elevator.

The floor looked different from last time. I walked on the cool mahogany towards the white carpeted sitting area and dusted fingers over the chocolate leather sofa as I gazed at the grey hearth before me. I looked to the counters behind me and the simple kitchen.

“This isn’t your floor, is it?”

“It is, but it’s a bit remodeled.”

I chuckled. “A little?”

“You like it?”

“I love it.”

“Good.” He walked up and rested his chin on my right shoulder as he wrapped his hands around my waist. “That’s what I was hoping for.”

“We’re not moving are we?”

I felt him shrug. “I don’t mind. Just stay with me.” He pressed a kiss to the back of my neck.

I rested into his firm body. “Always.”

He guided me forward to the bedroom and sat my bag down by the closets. I kicked off my shoes and flopped on the dark grey bedspread. My eyelids were already closing when Steve pulled up the bed spread.

“Sleep while you can, we’ll be up for thirteen hours straight Saturday.”

“That doesn’t sound that awful actually,” I thought aloud.

“It is when it starts at midnight.”

“Why Tony, why?” I mumbled playfully before conking out.

 

When I woke up, it was dark out. I let out a sigh as I fished around the bed for my phone. It was two in the morning. I swung my legs over the bedside and walked out of the room. Steve was sitting on the couch with his back to me.  The air was thick with the smell of paint and I ended up coughing from the fumes.

Steve looked up at that. He had earbuds in which he quickly yanked out. “Sorry.” He started for the windows but Jarvis was already opening them and letting in a cool breeze. “I didn’t really notice the smell.”

I waved off the apology. “What are you painting?”

He tensed but then his shoulders slumped. “Might as well show you.” He led me by the waist around the couch. It was a dark mahogany bookshelf. Though just calling that would do a severe disservice. Its sides were curved in a way that resembled an ink painted breeze. The shelves too had the same distinct curve and curled in on themselves in a way that would make one consider if they could carry paper sandwiches.

I let out a low whistle. “Did you… _make_  this?”

“Yup.” He rolled his shoulders. “I know how you hate gifts that aren’t practical so…” He fell silent, waiting for the verdict.

“It’s stunning,” I managed in a low voice. “How long did it take?”

“Well, the world hasn’t needed saving much as of late, so about a week.”

I stared at the bookshelf. The craftsmanship would say that it took much longer, but I could believe it if it was him. I sat on the couch and rested my chin on my knees. Steve followed. “Don’t you have work tomorrow? Isn’t it a bit late?” I inquired.

“Nope, sick day.”

I leaned on his arm with a laugh, “Sounds like Christmas.”

 

I woke to the rays of the morning sun. I looked over to the bookshelf and couldn’t help the dorky grin that touched my lips. I started to move and realized I was wrapped up in Steve’s arms. I slid out of them haphazardly and inched off the couch. I stretched and headed for the shower. The bathroom itself was quite large with two sinks and a series of shelves, but the shower was average in size. _Probably a request from Steve_  Personally, I wasn’t fond of showers the size of our living room and Steve didn’t seem to be either. I cringed at the slight squeak of the faucet, Steve couldn’t have gotten much sleep in yet, and stood under the steamy rain.

I savored the heat and let my hair get soaked, accepting the curls that would soon spring when it dried. There was a light rapping at the door before it opened.

 

“Sorry, did I wake you?” I pulled the curtain back a bit to see him leaning in the door frame with a lazy smile on his face.

“Not really, I was up before you.”

“Oh. You’re really good at faking it.”

“Kinda had to with a roommate like Bucky,” he tossed out as he pulled off his white tshirt. “Mind if I join?”

“Nope.” I couldn’t help the warmth that pooled in my stomach at the mention of Bucky. He seemed bothered whenever he brought him up in the beginning. Now, the name didn’t seem to hurt him as much to say.

He pulled back the curtain and stepped in. We were in each other’s space in the small shower and it was comfortable in a way. He picked up a bottle of shampoo and started in on my hair. I leaned into the familiar touch and closed my eyes, savoring the massage. It was over all too soon. I didn’t want to open my eyes yet though.

His hands rested on my shoulders and slid down as he knelt in the small space. His lips roamed my stomach and my thighs before going up again. “Spend the day with me?”

“Our off days overlap once every third millennia when the moon is blue and the sun is purple.” He laughed at that. “I think I might wanna spend the day with you.” I took a sponge to his back as he sucked and left hickies along my stomach and pulled him up to get his front. I looked to his half hard member curiously and knelt before it.

I licked at it experimentally and was rewarded with a gasp from above me. I smirked to myself and gripped his hip for leverage as I moved my mouth closer and took in the tip. It was a bit salty but not the worst thing I had ever tasted. I closed my mouth around what I could actually take, which wasn’t much I came to realize. I hummed thoughtfully and jumped when his hands came down on my head.

I felt the slight rocking of his hips and realized he must have been trying hard not to move. I pulled back and his hands regrettably gave as I looked up at him. His face was flushed and it wasn’t from the steam. I let go of him with a loud pop. “Am I doing this right?”

“You’re doing something right, I can say that much.”

“Noted.” I opened my mouth again but pulled back, “Cuz I read a lot of stuff and they always write about how he took it in his mouth like this, or hummed like that or—“

“Is all you read about is gay relationships?” He sounded exasperated.

“Kinda yeah.” I mouthed back over him the moment he had a retort on his lips. I didn’t dare try to move, all too aware of my sensitive gag reflex. It didn’t take long though before he was at the edge. Lack of sex will do that to a person I thought to myself and kept my mouth on him as he came.

He stared at me half lidded and confused.

“I was curious,” I offered. “They make it sound like it’s as sweet as frosting.”

He took in an even breath. “Is it?”

I tilted my head toward the running shower water and took in a gulp before swishing and spitting. “Hell no.”

It was moments like this that I really wondered about how I felt about the concept of sex. I had given Steve a blow job pretty easily and yet the minute he tried to take care of me in anyway, I found myself pulling away from him. I let out a sigh while Steve turned off the water and started to towel me off. I looked up when he tapped my cheek.

“You okay?”

“Yup.” I took the towel and dried him off too. “Just thinking.”

“Don’t hurt yourself,” he teased as he wrapped the towel around me. “What should we do today?”

“Stay in.”

“And do what?”

I shrugged. “I’m honestly just tired of the sun.”

He laughed and left the bathroom. “Okay, we can order in.” He came back from the bedroom in a pair of sweats that fought to hold onto his narrow hips.

I grabbed a pair of underwear and one of his hoodies and quickly dressed. I fished my phone from out of the blankets to check for any messages, there were none. I fingered the damp clumps of hair already starting to curl and sat down on the couch.

We just laid there watching the food network. He had a note pad in hand for future dinners. I traced the curves of his muscles with my fingers aimlessly. After a few hours he turned off the tv.

“Okay, you need to eat something.”

“Don’t want. Comfy,” I retorted, already dozing on his abdomen.

He rose slowly till I was in his lap and pecked my forehead before sliding me onto the couch. “Not anymore you’re not.” There was a clank of pots and pans and the click of the gas stove. “What do you want in your omelet?”

“Food.” I made my way to the bedroom and flopped on the bed. Soon there was an omelet on the night stand. I picked up the fork and carefully cut into the egg pillow to see cheese and spinach spilling out of it. I grinned and quickly devoured it. Steve watched in amusement as he polished off his own at the foot of the bed.

I set my empty plate down and started to reach for a book that must’ve fallen out of my duffel at some point. It turned out to be a little graphic novel. I started to leaf through it, trying to remember why I had bought it.

“How’s Clint by the way?”

I looked up from the lacking storyline. “He seemed fine. He was just curious about my headache.”

Steve was quiet for a bit. “He’s not the only one, you know.”

“Yeah. Even Tony had his recommendations. I told him alcohol wouldn’t help, we had a difference of opinion.”

He didn’t take the bait. “It’s just strange. It was there and then it wasn’t. Gone in a day.”

“It’s been nearly a month Steve, I’m fine.”

“I know, I know…”

I sat beside at the edge of the bed and traced his jaw. “We have one day together, Steve. Leave it in the past, yeah?”

He nuzzled into my hand and pressed a kiss to my palm. “Okay.”

I smiled triumphantly and swung a leg around his waist and sat in his lap. He has a bit of cheese on his lip from the omelet which I licked off with a few swipes of my tongue. I arched my back as his fingers ghosted up my spine under the hoodie. He nibbled at my exposed throat and clamped down with just enough force to draw a gasp. His fingers ran down my back and past my waist to hook under legs and pull me closer all the while leaving small bites down my throat and along my shoulder.

“Steve…” I managed between shaky breathes. I felt him smile into my shoulder as he bit harder. I fought the moans but shivers still racked my body as he nearly drew blood and pressed kisses to the marked flesh. I felt my body slacken as he continued his ministrations. I felt complacent as his hand slid into my underwear and found me. I looked at him drowsily as he pressed his dripping fingers to his tongue. Tremors wracked my body at the sight.

His face was flushed and his voice quivered but his eyes were serious. “Elyss…”

I knew what he was asking. His need was pressing into my leg insistently as well. I looked away from his eyes and nodded slightly. My face felt as if it were on fire. My head shot up at the sudden weightlessness of my body. He had one arm around my waste as the other pulled at my underwear. I giggled at his frustration and shrieked when he simply tore the bit of fabric from my lower half.

“You owe me for that,” I started to growl when I looked down and saw the state of his member. It was much larger than in the shower and nearly touched his abdomen. I swallowed audibly and he laughed timidly. I looked up to meet his eyes and saw his face was as blushed as my own. Slowly, I rested my hands on his shoulders and rose. He aligned the head carefully and lowered myself slowly. The sensation was strange to say the least and I stopped short, body trembling. I touched my forehead to his and sucked in deep breaths.  Sensation aside, it was _a lot_ to take in. I bit my lip as I lowered my hips bit by bit. The stretch made me wince and it got progressively worse the lower I got. Without an end in sight to painful ministrations, I opened my mouth.

“FUBAR.” I didn’t look or open my eyes. I didn’t have to to see the disappointment on his face. I felt it in the slackening of his shoulder and the frustration in the grip of his hands on my waist and thigh.

Steve hefted me off of still swollen member and didn’t meet my eyes as he let his sweats fall to the floor and leave the room. 


End file.
